Master said," Start again with a study of the structure of writing. Life is not a religion. Religion is a form of advertising and belongs to the market place. It tries to convince the mindless public of what they're missing out:- the bliss of God- Consciousness.
The advertisers feed the ignorant fellow in the market place with nothing but lies. Lies in the form of images. Images, which the poor ignorant fellow feels compelled to swallow. Those images have produced a whirld of glitz. These deceitful advertisers have nothing inside their echoing citadels.....but the gaudy history of glitz.
To realise Truth is a matter of tuning in to the real transmission. The real happening.
Tim, all the strife in the whirld is the expression of the struggle for domination between male and female.
When wholeness divided into male and female, the male sought to be whole by eliminating the female......which eventually led the female to ignore both the male and the spreading disease of heartlessness...spread by the virus of male logic.
At last the female broke through the image realm and discovered the ecstasy of being inseparable from primary wholeness."
The Master gazed at me for a long time. His wonderful rich face shone with infinite wisdom. I loved him with all my being. Though he was well into his eighties he looked no more than forty. His hair and rugged beard was still jet-black. His whole body lithe as a young tree. Suddenly I felt compelled to say, "when the female discovered her wholeness in Truth the male felt like a dead fish. How can she be happy without me he complained? What he hates Master, is being....left alone....in the echoing coldness of his self-righteous tick-tock infinite universe of calculating nothingness."
When Kate arrived with Stuart's distortion of my work, Master said," I trained Tim to be a spy for women's spiritual evolution and this is his brother Cain's predictable kick-back ! This cave is an escape hatch from the pressure of the whirld. The pressure of being forced to conform to the parameters of the male morgue."
Kate's presence makes me feel extremely awkward. I have not been touched....by a real woman for such a long time.....but Kate's arrived here bursting with desire.....for me! But how can it be it's ME she wants? It can't...can it? No, she's fallen in love with an image...which she has created. My brother's wife......here in my Master's cave....bursting with sexual energy. The situation is bizarre. Such blistering affection frightens me. It has set me wondering whether I'm gay? If I'm not, why have I been living with a man for so long ?
I can't even remember what desiring a woman feels like? But if I was an out and out homosexual I wouldn't be in any way tempted by Kate....would I? Her energy is very.....intoxicating.....but becoming intoxicated is not a part of the yogi's path. In fact sexual intoxication is one of the main pitfalls a yogi must avoid. This is what must be explained to Kate...quickly ....but by who?
I will explain my problem to Master. Kate doesn't seem to notice what a state she's put me in....I mean first of all she's poisoned me with this manuscript concocted by Stuart...then she injects this delirious fuck energy into my soul...and here I am trying to live the life of a yogi !
She's so ecstatic to be here and seems amazed at how large this cave is.....with all its sub-caverns....and the remoteness and natural beauty has blown her mind. She says that this simple way of life is what she's been aiming for all her life. I wonder. Living with Stuart couldn't have been a step to spiritual simplicity. Or maybe it was.
When Master told Kate that there is a large community of yogis living in caves such as ours all over this part of the Himalayas.....she got very excited and wants to meet them all. Fuck them all is probably what she means. She's left Stuart for ever...never wants to even see him again....is going to divorce him.
I don't know what to do about this horrendous manuscript which Stuart intends to publish. I'm toying with going back to England and getting all my original stuff back. I'll have to discuss this question with Master. Kate says all my original stuff is on a floppy disc...whatever that means…but she doesn't know what happened to it...she couldn't find it before she left...and she's afraid that Stuart might have wiped it off the hard disc! I'm having to fight my urge for revenge.
14th June After morning yoga and meditation Master addressed my questions before I had time to ask him. Kate had obviously been filling Master in. They were sat together outside the cave. Master said...with a big smile...."Tim, you are very fortunate that Stuart's behaviour is revealing your hidden shadow-self. From all that Kate has told me you should send him vibrations of gratitude."
I was stunned by what Master said. I stared at the kites and eagles circling in the early morning brilliant blue sky. For some unknown reason I started thinking about scenarios one and two and what they would look like from Stuart's scenario three viewpoint?. I'm now shaking like a leaf. Actually I'm not convinced by my own concepts . Like Master I like the Arnold character...but I wish I had given him a different name! Something like Steve. Anyway, I think I'll write more from a doubting position.
Master shook me out of my reverie. He said," In the beginning is that space which always and ever precedes form. Being is form....and form is time. Time is number. Space is zero. Number needs space in order to be. Space is free of any dependence. All numbers are not only within zero.....but are made of zero.....and the infinite mass of all numbers....added together...represent nothing to zero." Master paused and gave a great grin.
A few fluffy flakes of snow settled on Kate's blonde hair. "Tim when you realise this....you'll understand everything! Zero is God. God is not Being but Consciousness. Without consciousness there is no Being......but without Being...Consciousness exists."
We were sat a few hundred feet below our cave in that part of the fast flowing stream where we take our daily bath. In the fine sand he drew:-
and said, " You see each number is inside Zero.....but if we imagine the sand itself represents Zero....we don't need to circle each number....for each number is made of Zero.
It should be obvious" Master continued whilst looking into my eyes," that every number represents a quality of Zero. It should also be obvious that the relationship between any number and Zero is always the same. Nine is not further away from Zero than one....on the other hand it is obvious that three is nearer to one than nine. This leaves us with two forms of mathematics which are distinctly different. One form is concerned with the relationships between numbers and pays no attention to the relationship between numbers and Zero. From the perspective of "normal" mathematics......Zero represents an absence of quantity.
In my abnormal form of mathematics every number signifies a quality of Zero.....a vibration. Now, if we continue to imagine that this sand represents Zero...we can signify the numbers in this way." Master stood up and with the large toe of his right foot he drew....very slowly the following waves:-
As I stared at what Master's foot was doing...I became obsessed by trying to imagine what all of this could mean to Kate?...and why was I so concerned?
I keep saying to myself `she's my brother's wife'. I then feel that I'm caught in some biblical saga. Master suddenly looks like Elijah. I've never seen his old gown look so white. Whenever I look at Kate she seems utterly engrossed in what the Master is doing. Then I thought `but she doesn't consider herself Stuart's wife anymore...so that's not a problem. I've never seen a woman look so appetizing. I can't believe what I'm writing down.
Suddenly Master again shook me out of my fantasy whirld.
"Tim! The point is, " Master said very softly which emphasized his perfectly articulated English. "Each one of us is a quality of Zero . Each one of us is made of Zero. Each one of us is immersed in Zero. Zero is the essence of all the numbers. So, the Big Bang was not an explosion of Zero but the explosion of a number. A number which failed to recognise its relationship to Zero. Do you know what that means? It was an explosion of an INTERPRETATION!
The same is happening again. Modern physicists are totally ignorant of the relationship between energy and Zero. Now go off Tim and think about all this on your own. I'm now going to start Kate off on the path of Tantric Yoga."
Before going to sleep that evening I wrote,` Language is a form of Being which can indicate qualities of Consciousness. It can only indicate this through confessing its dependence on Consciousness. Language is a form of history.....a form of measure.....hence a form of number. All words add up to nothing....in the sense of meaninglessness.....if Zero is not realised as their essential meaning.
`No meaning' or 'non-meaning' is not equivalent to Zero.
I remember an occasion about a year ago when Master had just finished giving me a vigorous massage...and he said, "We suffer from the effects of poorly constructed tales. Gross syntactical errors are at the core of our un-easy existence."
Of course this was said before Kate burst in on this scene. I suppose I've given Simon...in some ways...my idea of the mind of our Master.
My understanding of what Master was getting at is this:- Through the study of the structure of language ( number )....consciousness can be intuited, but language can't in any way describe Consciousness ( Zero ). What language can do, is awaken its own being to its dependence on Zero ( Consciousness). Since language is a form of number ( Being ).......it can in no way be the eyes to see what is always prior to language.
22 June. A week later. I've realised the most terrible thing has happened....I'm in love with Kate.....and she's madly in love with me. She wants us to find a cave of our own and study the Tantras under the guidance of Master.
23rd June. Thunder from Heaven! This morning Master told me to return to England and sort out my affairs with Stuart. Kate is definitely divorcing Stuart...and wants ME to put their house on the market ! It's in Kate's name. I'm to arrange that Stuart gets half of the proceeds. I don't like it! To say I don't look forward to seeing Stuart is a massive understatement.
I can't help feeling that my life is being very influenced by my writing. Kate seems to be acting out the role of Molly......and I'm a bit like Arnold.......being winkled out of my ascetic life by Kate!
After our evening meal of rice, roots, berries and nuts......cooked by Kate, Master said," Death is actually an element. Just like there is Earth...Water...Air...fire, there is Death. Everyone of us has a spark of death within our condition...and this spark...or seed...can grow into a body of death......sometimes called a body of light, or real SOUL. The process by which this soul-seed becomes a fully developed individual...is rarely completed in our epoch...but if one is seriously committed to this great work...help is usually found.
Almost everyone on this planet today is in a state of contraction due to their previous failure to pass through the element of death. When their previous incarnation came to an end....and the body could no longer support their reference system...they were unable to withstand the light of death......and contracted by fear.....sought escape....and incarnated here once again.
Of course this earthly existence is very unsatisfactory as a form of escape.....since everyone knows they have to venture once more into that element of death for which they are so deeply unprepared.
The alchemical way of life begins with entering into the element of death whilst staying physically alive. This earthly existence can provide the necessary conditions and ingredients for creating a second body...a body which can pass easily...and joyfully through the element of death. The enlightened soul has always been pictured with wings...because such a soul knows how to move freely through the element the un-enlightened call 'death'."
Master gave us both a very big smile and said in an almost conspiratorial tone, "It may be even possible that the seed of death is actually our real body contracted to the point of having 'no space'."
Kate wanted to know how she could enter into the element of death....now?
After a long pause Master opened his eyes and said with a quiet voice which seemed to come from very far away...."Kate, you have to first clear up your con-fusion about `thinking'. If you manage to leave all interpretations of thought behind...you may suddenly glimpse the surface of thought. The surface itself...not what it can reflect. The mirror...not one's face...so to speak. It is a shocking moment. A surface devoid of familiarity. And then...if your intention is powerful enough...you can break through the surface-tension...the hymen of the virgin space...and activate the unspeakable heart of thought...and thereby begin to think!
It is a LEAP… from all forms of guessing, all forms of interpretation… into the indescribable...into the element of death. Make no mistake Kate, it is a totally shocking experience...the feeling of what it means to be a number saturated in Zero."
I'm NOT gay. That I've decided for sure. Over these last few days any doubt I had about my hetrosexual nature has completely disappeared. I really don't want to go back to England...and leave Kate. What a ridiculous statement for a yogi to make. It's a fact...I'm in love with Kate. It's like I'd already surrendered my heart to her before she arrived here. It's impossible to understand. The Master is very amused by the swirl I'm in. I don't know what to do. Something deep inside me is crumbling. I must concentrate on Yoga.
26th June. A myth is a tale. A tale which casts light on the present condition of mortal man. It is a brittle tale which pretends to be the only tale capable of illuminating the darkness of the human psyche. Those who cast mankind into a single frame...are themselves victims of the will to power. A will which stalks the Earth...seeking to eradicate all freedom of expression from the human soul.
This will to power is an archetypal being...a spiritual force whose motive mortal man is beguiled into never uncovering. This concealment is further concealed by man's myth making. Unrecognised...this will to power moves through mind-space disguised in myriad forms of fear. Fear is the food this will feeds upon. Human life is transformed into fodder to feed this voracious virus...this vampire of the soul.
Its plan on plan-net Earth began with getting mortals to openly worship fear as God...and to this end, it is at present in the process of encircling the plan-net with a continuous concrete threat of complete annihilation...for if its plan of total uniformity is in any significant way frustrated...it will simply wipe man out of existence! The ghosts of the then wiped out population will immediately be harnessed to create another species on Earth...a species who will obey...without the slightest deviation...this demonic force. A force calling itself God.
What then is the origin of this will to power?'
When I read this last diary entry to Kate she told me that the Berlin Wall was down. What a wonderful shock. I had no idea. 1980 was the last time I'd picked up any whirld news.
I shall return to England for Christmas. Kate is definitely not going back. She's burnt her passport and is now considering becoming a celibate. She must love Master deeper than me. I love Master deeper than Kate. What a strange trio we make.
1st July. After bathing in the early morning clear light...Master suddenly said, "All views lead to violence...war. Every view implies suppression. Always prior to what is present...is the now. But the now is not a view of the now. The now can-not be viewed. It is not the same as Being...but is that without which, Being could not be.
Amongst your Western philosophers only Martin Heideggar came close. Master then quoted Heidegger's little stanza...in German...and then in English. 'We are born/ too late for the Gods/ And too early for Being./ Being's poem just begun/ is man.' Master continued ( He used to teach Sanskrit and Philosophy at Varanasi University ), " yes the thinking of Being is beings....and their life is the present. From the start beings
have always been Janus-like......since they are only aware of two views: survival and non-survival.....which is really one view: concern for the survival of the ego.
If one is awake one is aware of two simultaneous realities: eternity and time. Time is being which is ego. Eternity is now. From the beginning of the dawn of consciousness.....those who centred themselves in the awareness of the now were regarded as gods....whilst those who centred themselves in being or the present were regarded as goddesses.
Soon the gods paid no attention to the present...in fact they regarded the present as a trap...which led them to believe they must control the present...since the goddesses fixated in the present were blind to the source of the present. The gods failed to see that they were no longer aware of eternity. They had become trapped in their belief system which projected the view that they were superior to the goddesses.
Now the gods regarded themselves as the interpreters of the meaning of the present. From such a god's point of view the goddess is nothing...but a potential inter-fear-ence to his will. So he ties her up...with a metaphysical argument...which has endured as his idea of order...his idea of importance...his idea of her...his idea of death...his idea of love. Using ideas he exploited her innocent transcendental beauty. The gods colon-eyesd virginity.
The next step...there are no longer any gods. HE is GOD. There might be goddesses...but only one God. ME! So HE...the invisible ...omnipresent...invincible...God is represented by I. God is male. God is GOD above and PRIOR to all goddesses. Now because...(it's all actually a twisted invention)...this GOD is never present in day to day LIFE...his wishes need a spokesman. So I speak for GOD. God is MALE. I IS MALE. Females are trained to call themselves I as an act of worship!
Every goddess has been raped over and over again...and through their open wounds...every conceivable vibrant virtue...has been anal-eyesd...and turned into IMAGE...to feed the vampire VIRUS. Eventually she succumbed to the hypnotic idea that she could not be...except through his permission!! She succumbed...under pressure to survive...and embodied the illusion that her consciousness depended on HIS CONCEPT of consciousness.
Isolating her being within his concept...HE induced the deathly condition whereby she no longer could feel herself to be a goddess...unless HE treated her as such!!! And even then...he never keeps that up for long!! He always gets quickly bored with his devastated...hypnotised...dehumanised women...and soon casts them into different forms of slavery. Raped by male concepts of reality...girls are trained to conceive of themselves as OBJECTS...in a whirld market run according to man-made rules."
This was the longest lecture I'd ever received from Master. Well it wasn't just me there, because Kate was following every word whilst making herb tea on an open fire beside the fast flowing stream. We all remained quiet as Kate poured the tea into our tin mugs and handed the one with the handle to Master. As he took the mug from Kate he said, "If any woman is seen to break through the conceptual prison...and as a consequence starts to manifest energetic consciousness...she soon becomes the quarry for male revenge." Master turned his gaze onto me....or I should say into me ....for I felt penetrated to the core......when he said, " Are you free of revenge towards the goddess Tim?"
I was lost....not so much for words....but for a window into my deepest soul. What about all the stuff woven through my writings?
Master read my thoughts and said," There's nothing wrong in using the act of writing to exorcise your soul from your karma. That way you hurt no one. I will continue now...The form of the male indictment is this:-because your frantic female behaviour (energetic)...has not come...VIA ME....that is, from GOD.....you've obviously entered into an intimate relationship with the DEVIL! JUDGEMENT?"
Master looked to Kate and she said in an over-the-top judge's voice:-" Death!.....AND DAMNATION......but TORTURE FIRST......for a VERY LONG TIME!"
Exactly," replied Master with a deep sadness in his rich Kashmiri voice. "This is why," he continued, "Nearly every woman on Earth today has this intense terror of stepping out of the male sphere...but there are a few who have learnt this ... secret ...which you, Kate, will one day do your best to reveal. The fear of freedom which you have bottled up for years...can be used as fuel...to enable you to jump through the picture of male revenge...and carry you into the uplifting real love of your true goddess nature."
3rd July. Kate is on fire! It's marvellous having her here. Master is thrilled by her progress. Yesterday an old Kali baba crossed the stream when we were bathing. He must be in his nineties...wearing nothing but faded red rags and a woollen bag around his neck. He sat a little upstream with his back to us whilst all three of us finished bathing and dressed:- Master and I wearing lunghis and wool vests whilst Kate dressed in a lovely bright orange jalaba. As Master approached the old baba whose matted hair came down to his waist.....he turned around to face Master and exploded into a fantastic BEAM...he then stood up, placed his palms together....mumbled "Namaste" and then threw himself down at Master's feet...and whilst touching Master's feet he repeated over and over his Kali mantra.
Master cut the performance short by grabbing the old man's hair and pulling him to his feet. Master slapped him an the back and invited him to have a meal and a sleep for the night. He didn't know a word of English...nor could he understand the presence of Kate or indeed myself. I don't think he slept a wink for every time I woke up at the back of the cave he was mumbling his Kali mantra. Master was very, very gentle with him...and gave him a beautiful shawl...which Master had woven himself from handspun yak wool given to Master by a Dzogchen master who came to visit us in our cave ten years ago.
When the old baba left early in the morning....he gave us all a big hug....big smile....big wave....and left the mouth of our sunlit cave...still singing his Kali mantra. I asked Master where the baba was going? Master said he'd first met the Kali baba over sixty years ago...and he--the baba--never knew where he was going!" That baba," said Master, "Is a true devotee of the Divine Mother and wanders wherever Kali takes him. He has never touched money in his long life, and owns nothing but his tattered robe....the shawl I just gave him and his bag in which he keeps his bowl. His eating bowl is the skull of his father...who was also a Kali baba. Normally he eats from that skull...but refrained from doing so last night...to save you and Kate from getting upset ! Now to get back to the male concept of GOD THE FATHER. The first point is that the concept IS GOD. The male trick is to say to any female doubter...' It's not just a concept. I'm using the concept...to get across the meaning.' Of course by `meaning' he doesn't mean my meaning....he means THE meaning.
So the male has been using the female's energy to animate his dead deadening concept of life. He has to kill her so that she corresponds with his concept ! So...the male soul...suffocating inside the dead image of male consciousness...tries to pull himself out of his self-made black hole...by pulling on female souls...but because he's already been weakened by his own gestapo methods...he gets pulled down into the male black hole....and thereby...adds to the astral stink which permeates the whirld.
Meanwhile the awakened female SEES with her soul...with true feeling...that the trapped male is terrified of surrendering to his god...his idealised self...because he knows deep down his god is nothing but an illusion.....an empty projection...a hollow concept. It's obvious to the truly liberated female that such a male is terrified of LIFE! He has to deaden life before he can relate to it...and to him relating means owning it...controlling it…consuming it !"
END OF FAX TRANSMISSION
I can't avoid the fact that I'm trembling all over. As I carefully folded up the fax...my hands were shaking. When Mary phones...I'll be lost. I've been putting off meeting Mary....because I don't think I'm up to it. I'm sure she's a man eater. Maybe Tim suspected the same of her sister, Kate. Tim went back to England...to be murdered...leaving Kate with the Master.
Was Stuart right to think that his brother Tim had been hypnotised by the Master? No wonder Stuart was freaked out when he discovered that his wife was in the clutches of the same delusion...that she had written the goodbye letter to him from the Master's cave!
Who is this Zero? If he and Kate are alive now in that cave in the Himalayas...what's my relationship to them? I'm working for them...that's what I'm doing. They want Tim's work published. Mary and Joe couldn't pull it off...and so they've laid it on me! So the WILL for this stuff to be published...comes from that cave in the Himalayas. So why should I worry? Why am I shaking like a leaf? Because it frightens me to be working for someone I don't know.
I'm working for someone who changes the direction of people's lives. I wonder if Tim ever doubted the Master's wisdom?
I'm trembling because I doubt my self. I feel as if I'm being press-ganged into joining a group...which is operating on a different wavelength to the one I'm on...and I'm frightened of moving onto their wavelength. I haven't got a clue how one navigates one's life on the wavelength of faith in God. I feel godless. I am godless. A godless wretch. That's why I'm trembling. I'm a chronic doubter. Why can't doubters have their own god? Of course they do. Power is the god of doubters. Money.
There, I've said it! Here I am basking in the luxury of having loads of bread. O.K. So I was lucky. I didn't hurt anyone to get this bread. You can't call winning the lottery the fruit of power- tripping. Even so, this massive amount of capital does give me a certain power. I could go almost anywhere...if I wanted...yet I stay here in this hut in the middle of a wilderness. Something I couldn't do if I had no bread. Yet what is this power doing for me? It's certainly not making me happy. It's been raining for two weeks solid. At this time of the year it should be snowing...but the cutting down of the Amazonian rain forests has changed all that.
"Phil, darling, what did you make of that last chunk?"
" I'm shaking like a leaf."
"Good. It must have got through to your real self. I hope you're shaking with excitement?"
" Mary....I don't know why I'm shaking. It's like I know I've got to make some sort of move.....but I don't know what it is? Have you thought of flying out to the Himalayas....to visit your sister?"
"Phil....what are you getting at ? You want to go to India to visit my sister?"
" I was thinking maybe I should go to visit the master. What do you think?"
"I think you think that I'm a link to where you're trying to get to."
"I don't know where I'm trying to get to. I just want to get out of this rigmarole I'm in. I'm sinking into a sea of confusion."
" You're dead...right. The sea of confusion is your head. You've stepped out of life Phil!...and my guess is you took that fatal step a long time ago. You stepped out of life...and you've sort of survived by living inside your own thought construction. But it's a state of death Phil...and d'you think the master is keen to meet dead souls?"
"Look I told you that I was already shaking like a leaf......and now you tell me that I'm dying."
"I didn't say you were dying ...I said you're DEAD!..and you don't get it!"
"Maybe I do."
"Maybe's not good enough Phil. You've got to own up with your heart...that you're escaping from LIFE. And cowards escape from life because they're shit scared of death. They think that if they deaden themselves off they will avoid the experience of death."
"You're RIGHT! Mary you're absolutely right. Will you come with me to the Himalayas?"
"Who's going to finance the trip?"
"I will gladly finance the trip."
"And will you still go if I don't come with you?"
" I don't know."
" My new girl friend is fantastic. We're having such a great time together. I wouldn't want to leave her behind. Her behind! Exactly. Phil I can't tell you. She's an absolute sex-glutton. The most beautiful...ravishing...slut fuck-queen. D'you believe me?"
" Why should I disbelieve you?"
"Would you foot the bill for both of us?"
"I could afford to."
"I didn't ask you if you could afford it.....I..."
"O.K. I'll foot the bill for all three of us to visit the master."
"Well no one could say that you're mean with your money. Well I'll see what Cassandra says."
"That's her name."
"What does she do?"
"She's a barmaid...and does some nude modelling for artists."
"Mary, do you think we should get this novel project over first before we go to India?"
"How much more of this stuff is there?"
"I don't know exactly...about another six-hundred thousand bytes."
"God that sounds enormous...it will take for ever."
"It will take exactly as long as it will take."
The rest of the conversation isn't worth recording. I couldn't concentrate on what she was saying. The idea of travelling to India with two nymphomaniacs was overpowering my urge to meet the master and get my head straightened out. As I said, I had already put off Mary coming to visit me here in my hut. I didn't want to meet Mary until my fantasy of meeting her was under control...but every time I spoke to her my fantasy life shot up a few notches. I just feel there is nothing I can do...except try to concentrate on something else other than Mary...and now...I've got Mary and Cassandra's sexual behaviour to avoid thinking about!
The obvious thing to do...is concentrate on understanding Tim's novel.