Hi Phil, this is Joe from Dartmoor Nick. I've tagged on to tell you a few things. First, thanks for not trying to contact me here. I can understand that you must have been tempted. This last fax was not sent by Mary. Just leave it at that. In fact my advice is to take what Mary says with a pinch of salt. Yeah things between us are not working out. Basically she's a psychotic liar and has caused me a lot of grief. I don't know what she's told you about me? Whatever, most of it won't be true. She's incapable of transmitting the truth. She twists everything to fit her latest sexual fantasy. She's an octane propelled BITCH. Full stop. Anyway I feel guilty about the way she got you involved in Tim's work. Plus I've got to confess I re-wrote a lot of the last section because Stuart had destroyed that whole section of Tim's original writing...so I sort of re-created it from memory. I don't think that's a sin! The sinners in this tale are Stuart and Mary.
Mary and Kate! How two sisters could be so different.
The point is Tim asked me in the beginning to help him publish the stuff...so I've taken it upon myself to edit it. Otherwise it was a terrible mess. To tell the truth...I'm responsible for the sequence of all the material contained in `Inside-Out'. Even the sequence has taken a lot of brain-work. A lot!
Now there's still more to come about Simon and Cesar...plus a pile of more unrelated notes which could be added as an appendix. For instance there's a note which relates how Tim was bowled over by Greg Riley's own account of his first awakening...on the underground platform at Leicester Square...now of course related by Dawn. (It had to be woven into the tale). Actually Riley said he came to the conclusion that he had become a spy for the future. A different future than the one the mass was inventing. Perhaps you could add that to Dawn's speech. Tim adds that The Master's consciousness is that future. To get there you have to create the right overview...if you haven't already got it!
When we were camping...after he'd came back from the Himalayas...Tim said he still hadn't developed a complete overview. He said he still kept finding traces of fear within his consciousness. He said there was a very deep fear of being free of fear. Of being free of the machine. He said it came down to the fear of being alone. Of being an individual. The night before he was murdered he told me that `fear' was nothing more than a script INSTRUCTION...to keep him enslaved! He said in truth there was no fear to be felt...unless he created it...by acting out the script!
Now Phil, did I tell you before that I've at last made direct contact with Kate...without using Mary's twisted channels? She and the Master really do have twin sons! So Tim got that right. I mean how right did he get it? For according to Kate (and The Master), TIM AND STUART HAVE INCARNATED TOGETHER IN THE HIMALAYAN CAVE. And you've guessed it...they've been called Tim and Stuart! And the message for you from Kate is that after you've published `Inside-out'...you are welcome to visit the `Holy Family' in their remote Himalayan cave. All you have to do is go to Badrinath...which I think is the source of the Ganges…and you will be met and escorted to the cave. I can't tell you more than that Phil, but I wish I was going. If I get parole I'll jump and GO!
Mind you I'm learning a LOT inside here. In a way, solitary confinement suits me totally. The question of constructing an overview is becoming a reality for me. Well thank you for bothering to read all this. Actually do you remember the title of Simon's book which Molly read? `Only the fresh will free you to be fresh'. I tell you Phil...that's what I'm discovering in this hole. The real SPIRIT. Actually it's not even a hole. It's a monk's cell! I mean I'm so PROTECTED HERE...cause the screws stop the WHIRLD from breaking IN and polluting my solitude!
I can only imagine it's the Master who is carefully showing me how to re-design my energy patterns. I keep getting the notion that The Master might whisk me out of here...somehow. Perhaps I'll jump into a parallel dimension…or go invisible. Anyway may your dreams be as sweet as mine. Maybe dreaming is the answer! Who knows maybe we'll meet up in the Himalayas...one day. Good luck. Joe.
And thanks again. And don't forget my warning about Mary.
END OF JOE'S FAX
It was true. The fax was sent from a different address. From a garage in Paris! I decided to honour Joe's wishes and let it all remain a mystery. This allowed me to feel slightly relieved...on two counts. First, I 'm glad to hear that Mary is unreliable. It means I don't have to bother with her anymore. Second it's good to know that Joe is making such good use of his situation. The die seems to be cast. I've got to publish Inside-Out...and go to meet Kate and The Master. But I've still got doubts! Why?
I suspect Joe is already out on parole…if he was ever in Dartmoor!
O.K., so I somehow publish the book...get to the source of the Ganges...wait there and no one meets me! How long will I wait...thinking it was all a con? I mean will it really matter? I mean I'll be in the Himalayas. Surely that will be wonderful in itself...I mean since I've always loved the idea of living in a cave in the Himalayas...why didn't I move there right away when I won all that money on the Lottery? Which makes me wonder whether the Master had any part in me winning it? And this is exactly what happens every time I try to work out the best way to go forward...Tim or Joe's idea of The Master undermines my idea of free will!
So, it's possible I was guided to win a vast amount of money so, (one), I could afford to publish `Inside-Out', and (two), I could afford to travel to India...and not have to come back to earn money, and (three) I could afford to keep the twins and pay for their education...and who knows what other plans The Master might have? Like it's already beginning to feel like the money's not mine! Like my mind's not mine! That in truth my life's not mine. Is this why I'm shaking inside? Obviously I'm losing my reason. Before Mary exported this writing to me I was content with my life. Was I?
Now my home has become nothing...but a lonely hut. Maybe I'm not so glad that Mary turns out to be unreliable. I remember now what it was about Mary that put me off when I first met her. She had a haunted look. She was haunted by an emptiness which she tried to eliminate through acting out her sexual fantasies. And she's still doing the same thing. She's probably got the same look. And now I'm haunted by uncertainty.
Mary's mind transmits the lure of wanton sex. Do I really want my life to be taken over by a woman who glorifies in being a slut? I think the Master knows I have a weakness for women who know how to be glamorous sluts. Who know how to be slut-Goddesses. Who appear to transform darkness into light. But my experience has shown me that it's a light without warmth.
The self-glorifying slut feels inwardly cold and tries to get warmth through friction. The seduced man gets excited, behaves like a greedy animal and distracts the encouraging slut from her emptiness. Then he's overcome by a soul-rotting emptiness. He? Me! Yes, it's obvious that the Master--through Joe--is telling me to WAKE UP and put away these soul-eating fantasies. Okay, I'll publish Inside-Out and get it distributed. It will be free. I can afford it. I'll also put it on the internet. I'll do a really good hardback edition...without any copyright...and no price tag. And then...I'll go to the Himalayas.
"You know why you can't concentrate? Yes?" Cesar never used his eyes to make a real impact. He never allowed glamour to `light' any aspect of his self-made secret agenda. It was as if the last word-`yes' had been formed out of an alien substance...or rather it had awakened a dimension of Simon's Self which felt distinctly alien. As the interrogative angle of the pungent `yes' careered through Simon's internal circus, he realised that he was the one doing the staring. He was pushing.
Yes, he was pushing Cesar away. No chance. Cesar seemed truly unmovable. Like what? Like the spot from which the whirld of lies tries to spin away. I'm a spinning top. Top heavy. Wobbling...losing momentum. Cesar is the still point on which I'm spinning. Spinning out illusions. Using my energy to create illusions about what I've been doing with Dawn! Dawn is smiling...inside my mind.
Simon felt he was switching...from one point to another. Point? Personality...yes, personality...that's what's happening to me. I'm a new personality. I'm a new Dawn. She's cloned a Dawn inside me. That's why Cesar seems so strange. I, the new Dawn, have never met Cesar before. Am I really a new `I', or am I the same `I' I've always been...now travelling on a different...?...circuit or orbit than I was on before. Before?
Yes before I was baptized in Dawn's bathwater in Eden Court. And now...from this `Dawn orbit' Cesar seems a weird stranger.
Behind Cesar's dark, well groomed vigorous hair, a thin line of perfumed smoke ascended for three or four feet, and then the line broke up into tumbling spirals which slowly, slowly, faded on its way to the raw pine rafters of the Greg Riley Institute. Whilst tracing the smoke from the joss stick Simon mouthed very softly and slowly "I've been magnet-eyesd...by Dawn."
"Exactly...my friend, but you are a very lucky man to see the truth of your condition. Life gave you the ideal opportunity...to fall into that demonic illusion liars call `love'." Cesar kept his beautifully well brushed upper teeth resting on his bottom full lip and beamed.
"Actually Cesar, neither Dawn or I fell for that crap! Didn't Riley brilliantly illustrate that it's nothing more than an old movie script. Of course its magnetic...but..."
"So her sexual magnetism never took you in...hand...so to speak?"
"Of course I could sense the psychic octopus trying to gulp up the space...trying to suck the essence out of our meeting. But our combined intelligence kept the monster at bay."
"So you say. I'm not convinced. You seem wooden...unreal...like you've become an agent for a dream. Yes, I think you've sold your life for a dream."
"Maybe I'm infatuated with her...intention...I mean...like me...she didn't want to be taken over...by an illusion."
"Really Simon? Are you sure?"
"O.K. I'm infatuated by her bright intelligence."
"Infatuation means one is influenced to behave in an immature, stupid way."
"I don't think we were being immature."
"Then why have you arrived back here bathed in this unrealistic, euphoric light? A light emanating from this holy image of Dawn...which together you have created"
"Oh come on Cesar. I think you are being unfair. If I have an image it's born from a relationship celebrating celibacy."
"So Dawn is the Virgin Mary...and you've become the curator of your ideal icon. Simon...she'll die of suffocation. That is a very old script my friend. A very old script."
Simon wondered how Cesar always managed to keep his fawn corduroy jacket so clean. Maybe it wasn't the same one. Maybe he had a set of them. He rubbed his smooth clean shaved jaw whilst reflecting on the image of Dawn he held so dearly in his heart.
I've got to admit it. Cesar's right. I am bathing in the light emanating from an image...but Dawn's image is not static...like a Bottecelli Venus...or that famous flash of Marilyn Monroe holding down her uplifting skirt. My image of Dawn is more than a mere picture. It behaves. Yes, behaves like a real person...with a distinctive character. A character who thinks and talks and...of course...seduces. Simon suddenly stood up and shook his head. "You're right Cesar. Dawn and I have created an image which has separated me from you and the Institute. It's like...it's like it's...alive...and right now it's considering the truth or falsity of everything I'm saying about it."
"Yes my friend, but why have you created it?" Cesar articulated each sound in such a strange way, Simon had the distinct impression that the sentence was alive...like a long snake-like tube. Each word seemed to be a segment making up the tube...and was distinguished from the next segment by the unique corrugations which characterised each separate word. Yes, but that wasn't the main attraction. Through the tube Simon experienced the wind of truth. Heard the truth. Yes the truth was speaking! SPEAKING. Talking. Talking to me. ME! Now I know I am. I am hearing the TRUTH! It really is a wind rushing through me. A wind of dynamic life. A wind of crisp, clear, fresh absolute affirmation.
"Hallelujah Cesar!" Simon kicked off his white bowling shoes and sliding on his bright red wool socks, skated across the expanse of polished varnished pine floor.
"STOP!" Cesar's injunction froze Simon in the middle of a whirl. FROZE. STATUED. He was in a ridiculous position...standing on one foot...his arms flung out...but he held the position for...what seemed ages till...
"O.K. Simon, let's cut out all the crap. The question I asked you was and is, why have you wasted your valuable energy creating this holy image of Dawn? You get it? Do you?"
Cesar didn't raise his voice one jot. One section after the other of the sound tube was added, and THROUGH the tube...(of the word)...Simon felt a presence...moving. A new organ was awakening. With this organ Simon could feel the truth. It was impossible...but yet...it was happening...happening to me. Life, real life, real substantial full bodied life was filling up his...his?...what? Now everything was becoming tubes! Everything became CLEAR. The entire world is a vast system of TUBES. So the French painter Leger was revealing REALITY. I see...I hear...through the tubes. The world is porous...like gorgonzola...no that's not really porous...like a sponge?...maybe...
"Simon! Are you with me?" Now that felt like an electric eel whip lashing through the tube.
"Look Cesar...man!" Simon looked tortured. He walked over to Cesar and slumped into the new wicker chair with the big fanned-out back. "I seem to have two minds going on at the same time."
"That's what you've always wanted isn't it?"
"Is it? Two distinct lines of thought? Maybe you're right. Hedging my bets. Hedging? No. Edging. Between two programmes. Genetic. Tribal. The genetic one triggers the romantic scenario. The power, the drive, comes from the body-mind, the genes, the cells, the organs. God, it's a brilliant biological WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! and..."
"Yes?" queried Cesar, who now seemed to be made of solidified neon light...or radiating lard ...yet...I seem to be made of...mere...possibility.
"Cesar,man, I don't know what's happening? It seems that the social...tribal programme masks the genetic programme and gives it a carnival flavour. It disguises the mechanical condition of human interaction. It clothes the animal in an illusion."
"Very good my friend. So, if you see all this...why can't you concentrate?" Cesar leant forward and placed his thumb and forefinger of each hand around his dark brown eyes--like the shape of two magnets.
"O.K. Cesar. I've got it! Thank you. I've been head-tripping again. I've been going from one line of thought to the other, believing I had to decide which of the two lines were true? Whereas, I now see that they are two films inside the same cinema:-my head! Now I'm out of my head...I can see I was crazy. The real issue is to do with position. Where one is centred. If one is coming from a wrong position...then everything one does is wrong...and the wrong position is being self-centred. Centred in the idea of oneself!"
"Being cold hearted my friend. Having a heart of stone...yet pretending...to oneself...and of course to every pretty woman you meet...that your heart is warm and alive and ready to serve the Goddess of Romance! Actually the situation is quite...pathological. Yes...quite morbid. I mean dead. Actually whilst you were busy worshipping Dawn, I finalised the basic outlines for our teaching programme. If you are now here in this real space...and no longer in your head, perhaps you are at last available to listen to what I have outlined for our future work. Yes work is the key to my proposal. WORK! We have to work hard my friend. Wake up our souls and work from the heart."
"I thought that's what Dawn and I were doing over the weekend."
"Did you? Did you really? Really work? Creating `holy' images is not WORK. You have been conditioned to do that. It is part of your Christian background. Creating a `holy' background."
The tubes had vanished. "I think you've got it wrong Cesar. Our work together was not centred around forming holy images of each other."
"So why did you return here in a daze? I tell you why...you have been in two minds...jumping from one to the other. Wake up my friend. Wake up."
"I am awake now...because I've jumped out of both of those minds. I'm now HERE...in this pulsating, LIVING real space!"
"Which space my friend?"
"This one in which we are in now. In which the Earth is in..."
Cesar held his hand up in a gesture to gently stop...or was it stop? Cesar's left palm faced Simon. Simon slowly raised his right palm to mirror the same gesture given by Osiris as seen in the ancient Egyptian temple paintings which Simon had studied in the British Museum. Cesar's eyes twinkled. "Exactly my friend. It is time to wake up to the exact perimeters of the war which is raging. This gesture we are making with our hands can become a means of nourishment to two souls who are serving the same spiritual purpose."
Cesar raised his very dark eyebrows, smiled and lowered his hand. Simon lowered his hand...and took a deep breath. "Relax my friend. The truth can only destroy your falsity. Yes, that ancient gesture is used by those of us who are consciously engaged in the war against Set...also known as Satan...but Set is the name he likes to go by. Are you totally clear on the situation? I mean our friend Mr Greg Riley more or less spelt it out. Perhaps it is time to remind our souls of the actual situation we are in. Yes?"
Cesar's dark eyes seemed really warm as he said `yes' in a very soft long drawn out...almost a purr. Simon overcame the pull to avoid meeting Cesar direct. The issue was suddenly very clear. Yes meant yes. Yes means I'm going to actually come clean. Give up this slip/slop two minded behaviour.
"Yes! Yes Cesar, I'm ready. Come on!"
"You claim you are ready...to focus on our situation. O.K. my friend. Let us see...what you're made of? I remember you talking about the Orion Crusaders...but do you know why Set's henchmen are here? Listen...you don't know why! Because you haven't wanted to really know because the truth is...YOU invited them HERE! Yes...YOU! Just LISTEN.
Because you don't really know who you are...you can't understand how YOU could have invited onto Earth this menacing power. You see they couldn't have come through the door...if you hadn't opened it! That was the BIG BANG! And from that point you've been going backwards...and forwards...playing out the same old movie. No wonder you're bored. You've reduced yourself to food for the invited guests. And if you don't do something about it...they're going to eat you my friend...slowly...when they decide you're juicy enough...for their peculiar taste!
Have you ever thought about what cows and sheep feel when they're dumped off at the abattoir? You imagine they don't know what's about to happen. You're wrong. Well you're in the same position. The WHIRLD is a human abattoir. And I at least am going to do my best to save some kids from this stinking SET-UP!
Basically Simon you're not really serious about what's going on...because you're asleep! Yes my friend ASLEEP! You don't understand that Alchemy has nothing to do with changing base metals into gold. It is the way to transform your soul into a warm generous living individual. An individual who is so liquefied he can not be divided. So fluid...he can be moved by the real SPIRIT! To be fluid in this way requires that you abandon all self-importance. Self importance is the product of moments of self-betrayal. These moments of self-betrayal occur in four different spheres of our being. To illustrate what I mean, imagine a circle drawn with a compass. Divide it into four.
The top left hand side represents the mind. The top right side the emotional body with its imagination. The bottom left represents the life force, the blood, the vital body...and the bottom right side represents the whole of nature and your relationship to that sphere. Through the hole in the centre, golden light pours through and spirals out towards the circumference. The ancient Egyptians called that golden light `Ra'.
They called the mind Osiris, the top left, and deemed it white. They called the imagination/emotional body Isis, the top right, and deemed it blue. They called the bottom left section...the energy body...Set and deemed it red. And they called the bottom right...that is nature...Nephis and they deemed it green. Now at any given moment the quality of the colours indicate the condition of your soul.
So starting from the top left side look to see what quality of whiteness is your mind. I mean if you were to draw such a circle on a piece of paper...how white would you represent your mind? I mean would you just leave it as the whiteness of the paper? Or is it like porridge...or grey like cement. You have to be honest with yourself and feel it out.
Next...how blue is your heart space...your emotional...imagination body? Is it a bright, crystal clear singing uplifting blue...or is it black-blue...like `baby, without you I can't go on' type of BLUES...or is it a cold, steely blue. Again be absolutely honest with yourself...and feel it out. It might be that the blueness of your emotional yearning...is coloured by your vital body...so your blue is veering towards purple.
And now check out your green sphere. Nature. Nephis. What sort of green is it? Is it bright, fresh, alive emerald green...or is it dark bottle green...or sickly green...or stinging nettle green...green with envy?
Next I want you to examine your red life. Just how pure is your redness? Is it a bright alive red or is it pale...maybe even like vinegar...or very dark with the blues mingling with it?
And now the next thing is the golden light. First...how far does it spread out from the hole in the centre? And how clear and bright is it? It could be so bright that it lights up the four quadrants...or sandy...or even very brown and muddy. Look deeply within your Self and let your Self see the quality of the golden light as it spirals through your being.
O.K., now Simon I want you to locate a moment of self-betrayal...and nod when you recall that moment. Good...now tell me...in which section of your being did this occur?"
" It was in my heart...my emotional imagination." (The weird scene with Jill).
" O.K. just imagine a black spot in your blue quadrant...and look to see how that black spot is influencing the quality of the blueness of your heart space. That point of self betrayal is producing a shadow...which not only makes your blue seem dirty...but that shadow covers quite a large section of your total Self! And of course that's not the only point of self-betrayal which you possess...but for the moment...you're only going to deal with the spot you've identified.
What I'm showing you is the first steps in what is called Liquid Alchemy. There are three other forms of Alchemy but that's not for now. The essence of liquid Alchemy is the transformation of the seeds of sorrow. This occurs through allowing the golden light of Ra to melt those seeds. This is done by putting attention on the Ra light...and never on the seed of emotional coldness.
The coldness inside you...which you try to conceal...will melt away if you become a warmer person. This is the great Alchemical secret. You MUST NEVER FOCUS ON THE SELF BETRAYAL...because you give energy to that which you focus on. All you have to do is allow the Ra light to direct your actions. But the actions have to be born of good intention. In other words to be transformed...you have to be virtuous. You have to secretly put the virtues into practise. But any self proclamation is self betrayal and prevents self transformation.
The point is...it is by becoming a warmer person that the cold icebergs of self centredness dissolve. So you focus on doing good secret acts very well...rather than focusing on the bad points. By practising this liquid Alchemy...the shadow will pass away and you will re-discover the golden forgotten.........
Okay, so there are FIVE STEPS...like five notes in a musical scale...which is a good way of remembering the process. The first note, dough, is your good intention...lets say your new good intention is to be kind towards animals and people.
Immediately...you're brought to the second note--Ray. Yes, the ray of Ra...is the light which energises your good intention. It's like the Ra ray makes the decision for you...like, in this case, you decide to not eat meat any more...and it shows you the next step...which is what your specific action is going to be.
This is the ME step: ACTION.
Dough...Ray...ME. Now the way that you carry out the Me step is up to you. If you stay true to the good intention...then the warm golden energy will give you the strength to withstand every resistance that you might encounter. And you will always encounter resistance. Everyone involved in this Alchemical process must understand that there is always resistance between an action born of good intention and its fulfilment...which is called the SOUL step.
The soul step is the fifth note. The ME note is the third note...so what's the fourth note? It's FAITH. Dough...Ray...ME...(resistance)...Faith...Soul. You see it's quite beautiful and even very logical...for when you meet such unwanted resistance...you need faith that you can reach the soul step.
To get from Me to SOUL you have to have FAITH. But what is faith? I tell you my friend...it's like a huge invisible Alchemical larder...filled with sweet wisdom...like pots of the best wild honey. This honey is what all those who have gone before you…have made for you...so that you'll persevere...correctly imagining that such sweetness can only come from above...from the SOUL position.
So, concerning our work...I propose that these first five steps...plus the introduction to Liquid Alchemy through self examination...becomes the basis for all the work The Greg Riley Institute takes on.
Of course, whether anything ever materialises or not is ultimately up to our ability to work with Ra...and that of course means we are putting ourselves in Set's firing line. Make no mistake...we'll be set up and set upon! Believe me, it's not going to be an easy ride Simon. The Earth is in the grip of a mad SET WHIRLD. It is utterly BLIND and totally voracious. And what you must understand is the enemy lives inside of us all!
From within our selves, the red Set ray vitalises our inventiveness...but now and for a very long time, the grounds for a big proportion of all our inventions...have been...as you well know...destructive to all life on this planet. This is because the Set life impulse is acting independently of Osiris, Isis and Nephis. Acting without heart...Isis...and without consciousness...Osiris...Set is raping Nephis...our once very beautiful planet.
Okay that's it for now. I suggest that before you go to sleep...draw out an Alchemical diagram of your present condition and colour it in. Put the date at the top...and when you've coloured it all in... from your black mark of self betrayal...shade over how much shadow you think you're under. Then at the bottom of the page write out what virtuous action you intend to commence tomorrow. Then do another diagram tomorrow night...and every night before you go to bed. Then every week or so, compare your condition with the diagram made the week before. If you're being honest with yourself...you'll SEE how you are changing. Whether you're becoming warmer or colder?
That's it Simon. I leave you in peace."
END OF FAX TRANSMISSION.
POSTSCRIPT IN SECOND HARDBACK EDITION
Well that was it! Really it...for I never heard from Mary or Joe again. I wrote to Mary care of her box number but my letter was returned saying the box number was no longer applicable! Without their enthusiasm driving me on I lost interest in publishing Tim's writing...but what was weird is I started to think about The Master all the time. So I set up a web site called InsideShiva and put out all of the fax stuff plus my own diary entries.
Then it seemed I had no option but go to India. So in the autumn, a few years ago, I wrote a letter to Kate--Anandama-- and asked her to write to me c/o the British Embassy in Delhi, and tell me the directions of how to find her and The Master? I then locked up my hut and flew to Delhi. Unlike Tim I loved Delhi. Of course I had piles of money to spend...so I stayed in a brilliant hotel near Connaught Square. I just loved the hustle and bustle in the streets around the railway station and the bright colours ...the clothes of the Indian women, their tinkling ankle bracelets and everywhere the fragrance of incense ...and the food in the Hotel was just wonderful.
But I wasn't supposed to be in India on a holiday, so every morning...week after week I walked to the British Embassy...but no letter from Kate ever turned up! Because I'd fallen in love with India I wasn't that worried but I was getting restless...very restless...very, very restless, probably because I was getting more and more stoned as my stay developed in ways I had not envisaged.
Most of my time in Delhi was spent in and around a Ganesh Temple with an amazing chillum smoking Ganesh Baba. He approached me when I was walking away from the Embassy one morning and invited me to walk with him to the Ganesh Temple. He looked about forty but more or less convinced me that he was over seventy! He attributed his youthful appearance to his utter devotion to hashish-yoga. Never before had I experienced what he meant by being HIGH.
Actually it was more like a parallel world to the world I was in before I got stoned. The most noticeable difference was the sense of presence. The fact that everything is ALIVE was totally impressive. And he said that this `parallel' world is the REAL WORLD. The one I usually inhabited he made clear was nothing more than a self-made invention!
"All you people from the West have been tricked to not live in the real world," he said. He spoke in perfect English...with a slight American accent, for he had lived and taught Indian Advaita philosophy in America many years ago.
"You are all slaves to machines...because you are all lazy and want to be happy without making any EFFORT. Through being addicted to short cuts you have invented a world in which the heart can-not live. And because you are pushed around in a heartless world...your idea of love is infantile. You are all baby robots.
Your minds are controlled by the computer industry...your emotions by T.V. and your bodies are trapped inside the motorcar industry. And what does all this amount to? It means that what is active in the West is everyone's ego...whilst everyone's soul is passive...asleep! And because the ego can only talk...you are blind. Do you see what I mean?
Only the soul can see. My friend...the whole point of smoking this charas is to learn how to stay in the real dimension of LIFE. To stay in this bliss requires that you see what pulls you out of this true reality of Being. You must transcend your self-centredness, your narcissism...your addiction to havingness...and `not-havingness'.
In the West DOING and HAVING come before BEING. Because of this perverted distortion you've all become dominated by three forms of negativity:--non-being, soul-inertia and the fear of poverty. What pulls you out of this real dimension are these forms of negativity. The true LIVING triad is Sat, Chit, Ananda. Being, consciousness and bliss.
If you withstand the pull to be self-concerned...but stay in Beingness...you will always feel happy and grow in eternal wisdom...and even though you may own very little...you will never be a slave. It is time for you to give your money to a worthwhile charity like Greenpeace and really live simply like an authentic sadhu.
As Jesus said `Find the heaven within you'. You raise your eyebrows when I mention Jesus? Do you know he never died on that cross. He is still alive...very alive...and lives in the Himalayas. He is my friend and taught me Kriya Yoga. There is no doubt that Jesus is the Master of all the true spiritual teachers. Many promise short cuts to Bliss. They are not true teachers but slaves of Lucifer. Lucifer is the short-cuts dealer. Almost everyone in the world today has become a short-cut addict."
When I explained the reason I visited the Embassy every morning, he ridiculed my infantile belief in The Master. He said he was no master if he'd been seduced by Kate. I argued that The Master had not been seduced by Kate...but he'd used sex to transmit sacred wisdom. You would have thought I had cracked the greatest joke the world had ever known.
"Say what you want," he said laughing, "but I tell you that poor man has become a slave of Maya. If you go to see him you will never see me again!" Immediately he stood up and hurried out of the temple garden. I felt utterly perplexed.
When I got back to my hotel, the receptionist told me that a woman had phoned, and the message was I had to go to the Blue Star Hotel in Badrinath and wait for Anandama to appear!
The next day I went to the Ganesh Temple to get some advice from the Ganesh Baba...but as I feared...the Ganesh Baba never showed up. I dearly wanted to see him before I left for the Himalayas...but I knew inside I would never see him again. So...I pulled myself away from Delhi by getting a taxi all the way to Badrinath. By the time I arrived I felt totally wrecked, because the taxi driver drove at breakneck speed with his hand on the horn nearly all the way...racing through villages...poor people and children and cows scattering as he wildly cut a swathe through the confusion.
Anyway I eventually calmed down and found The Blue Star Hotel. I know there's no point in calling it a crummy dump. It's in a class of its own. Cockroaches. Cockroaches! Cockroaches!I won't say any more.
Apart from bed-blood, Badrinath is an amazing place. It's getting close to the very source of the Ganges and therefore a very sacred spot for the Hindu population who make regular pilgrimages to the sacred temples built by the Holy river. There are thousands of sadhus and yogis all over this religious centre...and there are lots of schools teaching different forms of meditation and many different styles of yoga...with crowds of stoned Westerners hanging out in open air caffs...smoking hash...which seems--thank goodness-- to be everywhere!
Despite this carnival atmosphere I felt pretty lost. The truth was that I wasn't in Badrinath for a holiday so I couldn't relax. And I couldn't relax because I felt haunted by the doubt the Ganesh Baba had inplanted in me. And I missed his warmth. Days passed, and I never strayed far from the bug-invested hotel, for fear of Kate coming when I was out.
After about three weeks of very nervous waiting...she walked into my small bare room in the Blue Star. She had come without The Master. He was back in the cave looking after the twins! The cave was a long trek away of many hours. Too far for the twins. She looked radiant...very female although I could see her head was shaved under her crimson head scarf. I don't know why she seemed so female. I guess it was the bare feet with silver ankle bracelets...or the purple-violet sari...or the perfume...or silver rings on her toes and every finger.
"Where is the book Phil?"
"It's on the Internet", I replied...feeling very nervous.
She looked furious. "The internet is not a book Phil. Your ticket to the Master's
cave is `INSIDE-OUT'. The book! You mean you have not published it?"
"Well, no...I have not made a book of Tim's writings...but I thought setting up a
site for his work was a form of publishing."
"That's not what you agreed with Mary to do!"
"Well the truth is... after Joe and your sister stopped communicating with me...I
must confess...I lost the momentum. I felt they let me down!"
"Of course…you're the centre of the universe. My sister and Joe are both dead!.
Killed in a car crash in Iran. The Master gave you that project as an opportunity
for you to die within the Divine Plan. But what have you done? You've betrayed
The Master by not publishing the book and bringing it with you. I pity you! Phil,
you're an asshole! You've really blown it! Without the published book I can-not
take you to my Master. I wouldn't like to have your karma. Good bye!"
And she was gone. Five minutes! That's all it took...for me to really feel
abandoned in Badrinath.
There was no way I could stay there. The religious fervour made me feel
depressed…and physically weak. I went back to Delhi the next day...but I found
my inner life so empty I couldn't take the street noise any more. For a week I hung
out around the Ganesh Temple but the Baba never appeared again. When I
asked around if anyone knew where he was...no one seemed to know who
I was talking about!
Then I started to really HATE India...the filth...the constant pushing and
shoving...the polluted air...the noise...the corruption...the blatant materialism. I felt
sick...at the end of my tether. I never wanted to smell hashish again. I felt I was
going insane. I had to split...FAST.
Then when I returned to my hut in Scotland I went through another cloud of
mental/emotional confusion and arranged to have `Inside-out' made into a swish
hardback...which has been distributed free to all the public libraries in Britain.
Finally...Six months ago I surrendered and sent The Master a copy of the first
edition of `INSIDE-OUT' c/o Anandama at The British Embassy, Delhi...but it was
returned a couple of months later...unopened...saying she was no longer in
India...and her address was unknown!
Since she destroyed her passport I guess she's in hiding now...or maybe she
really has left India.
I think I've decided I'm going to go to Mexico to find my Mother. I keep dreaming
about her. In the dreams she keeps offering me fruit and lit candles. I've heard
through a cousin that she's living in a commune studying Toltec shamanism...so
she really might be reaching out to me. I don't know whether to sell my hut, just
lock it up or give it away? I've got rid of my computer, telephone and fax
machine. I'm not plugged in to distraction any more...the outer peace is a great
relief. And I've followed the Ganesh Baba's advice and given nearly all of my
money away to Green Peace and Survival International.
Now winter is on the way and I haven't a clue.....